I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.