Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.