“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
No. YOU-buprofen.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Thrilling chase underway
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him