Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My teenage children choosing violence
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Welcome to the stomach
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
those birds must be on payroll
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.