The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
You Might Also Like
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Finally! 😈
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?