If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack