“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.