I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon