last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
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Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
they really do be looking like this
Can’t. Being lazy.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*