whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
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Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.