When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
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[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.