The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
[loses house key, starts a new life]
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
What?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀