A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
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People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.