Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.