You Might Also Like
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it