Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
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Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My what?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.