*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise