My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
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Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
the short answer to this question
Are we there yet?…
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
choose your gary
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids