Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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This is my bus stop.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.