When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own