“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭