[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time