It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.