My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”