My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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I like crazy people until they notice me
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.