Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
You Might Also Like
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Merry Christmas
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?