Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
No selfies while hijacking a train.