[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
You Might Also Like
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.