Your proctologist called. He found your head.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.