I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
finally found a reasonable question
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free