[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
This meeting could have been a cake
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!