Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
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*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe