Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Ha.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”