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HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
A small tragedy.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
No one girl should have all that power. 😂