Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Breaking news:
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Brands during Pride
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.