My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
😩😩😩
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.