A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.