He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
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Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
2 years later
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”