I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Just how popey was the pope today?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.