God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
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I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
A friend sent me this.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope