Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.