One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
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*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation