My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open