Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
HERE’S MARKY
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
This classic never gets old . . .
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.