If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
had to share :’)
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
I don’t make the rules sorry
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Bill is short for Billiam
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids