RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
what could possibly go wrong?
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Dishonest mechanic?
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.