Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.