All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.