all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
This hospital has everything
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Still laughing at this stupid meme
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…