“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster